Once in college I went out on a date with this guy who told me how he had been so into the movie The Crow, so much so that he went to a high school dance dressed as The Crow, with makeup, and had it so his friend who was the DJ played that song from The Crow as he entered the room, and all I could think was “oh no, you should not be telling me this.”
When I was twelve and I first heard Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire” I thought the line was “trouble in the sewers” and it was about the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I didn’t ever reconsider this until very recently.
We were sad to report that Brian was NOT a sex machine. We were going rollerskating but still crying on the inside. We liked to think we’d always keep a pistol hidden in our boot. We were bold when we got a Bud Light in us. We saw a clear metaphor in Dan’s new popular personality and how he’d crashed his blue Camaro into a telephone pole. We had a 53 minute online conversation with Norris that really wore us out. We didn’t know why we respected him so much when we’d seen him vomiting and he didn’t cut his toenails. We couldn’t keep denying that he existed; it had worked for awhile, but it was a small town. We had a “Mother May I” approach to sensual pleasures. We thought it was unfair that lots of people meaner than us weren’t alone. We signed online at 9:43 pm - always choosing a weird time to look more nonchalant. We imagined a tsunami of psyche, filled with memories of the first time we’d made love, or killed another man. Our future ambition was to be a dancer on The Grind and marry Steve Isaacs. We were shocked when Dan went off on Heath and said he was a terrible tuba player. We wanted to show him we weren’t such a “sweet allie” (our AIM screen name). We didn’t need a crush when we had friends, summer nights, and Shakespeare! We wanted to be able to shoplift with our looks. We thought it was unfair that Drew was rude to us but nice to Jillian just because she was talking about drugs. All we wanted was for Josh to realize how hopelessly inseparable we were. We appreciated that he was asexual but still big spooned us. We formed a scream in our throat and mind. We were getting really good at being “cute” with him. Sometimes in the garden of Merrimack, we felt like a weed. We knew there were people who never crossed our mind, and we didn’t want to be like that for anyone else. We enjoyed the cold darkness from the everyday triviality of human life. We just loved the internet! We felt the air had been cleared, but maybe it was never dirty to begin with. We really felt that we’d be his ideal girl in a movie. We pasted Chanel pictures on our wall with dignity. We wondered why this was so difficult, since we were sixteen, a junior, and beautiful. When he kissed our arm, it made something clear to us, but we didn’t really know what. We felt respected and rejected. We are CRINGE.
If you mishear the Foreigner lyric “come on baby, do you do more than dance” as “come on baby, do you do modern dance?”, it gives the whole song a much more enjoyable vibe.
WERE WE EVER SO YOUNG
I actually think about this all the time
"Drama" is a co-worker talking shit about you in the break room, not your ex-boyfriend choking you.
My friend Sarah expounds further on her kryptonite: “This scent made my house smell like I was richer and less worried than I am, which is not at all and very. Of course then they discontinued it.”
"It kind of smells beachy? Like you spent all day at a beach, but not a lame touristy beach, maybe like some secret cove where Daniel Craig would take Rachel Weisz and then later he’d shower before dinner and put on a crinkly button-down shirt and this is how he would smell."
For those who confuse “could care less” and “couldn’t care less” here is the greatest unprofessional chart you will ever see.
This is an issue close to my heart.