January 2010
96 posts
1 tag
Generational
My mom’s nail polishes are all named things like “Tuscan Sun” or “Antique Rose” or “Moonlit Wine,” and mine are all named things like “Anal.”
!!!
Every once in awhile I realize I forgot to check Mary Worth during my morning round of internet, and I get a surge of emotions that other people probably experience when they realize they left the iron on at home.
1 tag
Chat with my brother, who is in the next room
Steve: okay what
me: i am going to blow your mind. secret gchat poop emoticon:
Steve: this is odd.
me: ~@~
Steve: that is ridiculous
and you are a dork
me: i think you mean amazing
well duh.
Steve: i think you think i mean amazing but i actually mean ridiculous
me: i think you're afraid of your love for the secret gchat poop emoticon but okay, we can play it that way if it makes you feel SAFE
Steve: so how do you do the secret gchat poop emoticon..........
me: watch
~@~
Steve: and now you explain how you do this...
me: you type ~
then @
then ~
try it
Steve: ~@~
me: well played
Steve: wow.
me: THIS IS THE FUTURE WE ARE LIVING IN
Steve: this is disgusting what we're doing right now.
me: too bad grandma didn't live long enough to see the day where you could type a poo on the internet
Steve: this is why terrorists hate america
this right here
yes that is too bad
me: i think this is why we should definitely keep going into outer space
good to keep looking for a back up.
Steve: im done here. and so are you.
me: LATER ~@~
Steve is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Steve comes online.
Bad news, guys →
lowindustrial:
Whenever you find yourself hunting for a bunch of adverbs to characterize something, you’ve lost the scent.
Watching television with my brother
J. Peterman on Family Feud: What's something you don't want to find in your soup?
Stephen: Condoms!
J. Peterman on Family Feud: What food might you eat off your mate's body?
Stephen: Isn't this a family show?
Contestant: Strawberries?
Stephen: Ribs! Popcorn chicken! Arby's beef and cheddar! HONEY MUSTARD!
“They’re like… the kind of people who always have wings and sparkles...”
– Jeremy, about to show me my first episode of Jersey Shore
You can take the girl out of America but
Why didn’t anyone tell me Doritos come in cheeseburger flavor now?!
Sarah N. says, “They taste like a barbecue in Prospect Park!”
Freddy's in the New Yorker →
(Thanks to Krissa for sending me this)
The Cobra thanks you in advance.
Around 2:30 am this morning, which was actually 7:30 am plus no sleep on the plane, my jetlagged brain somehow formed the near-coherent thought, “The cobra needs to go to bed now.” So I guess you can add “The Cobra” to my “Little Tiger” list of self-created nicknames.
“In 1847, midway through the Great Irish Famine (1845–1849), a group of American...”
– Great Famine (Ireland) (via forcessweetheart)
By you I mean me.
What is life really but an experiment in determining just how much social interaction you need during the average day or week? A little too much in either direction and you turn into Michael Douglas in Falling Down.
Pep talk
youdonthavethis:
Just be that old man you know lives deep inside of you, who is going to take his pants off at dinner because he’s sure fire ants are giving his legs the what-for, and not give a fuck that there are children present. What else can you do? You can’t do anything else.
There: fuck song lyrics, get this tattooed on my shoulder blade.
bluishorange:
meghanagain:
Yesterday I went looking for an old draft of something, and then instead of finding that I found a file of short stories written by some poor dear college classmates of mine. (I guess we emailed drafts to each other? For things?) So if you’re one of the, what, ten people who was in Intermediate Fiction with me, I’m sorry. I can’t bring myself to delete any of this...
fuck yeah lyrics?
bluishorange:
shooshee:
I see all these people that get song lyrics tattooed on fuckyeahtattoos and think there was a time in my life when I over-identified with The Cure or The Smiths or Depeche Mode but thank gawd I didn’t have the funds or the access to a tattoo artist, because over time the lyrics you identify with now, or then, really lose their meaning.
Oh, no shit. You know I’d have...
Yes.
“Through the kindness of Brad and Christian I got ring in the new year in Miami where, when the clock read midnight, the thermometer read 77, even after sundown, even on a balcony sixteen floors up and overlooking the ocean.”
[…]
“There’s so little you can do to thank friends who have the means to transport you physically around the country, not to mention psychologically...
Kathy Cacace is so right on. →
"That day I had begun learning that my job was to... →
BREAKING AWARDS SHOW NEWS. →
acceptanceworld:
bingoparaphernalia:
abbyjean:
Notorious rapist climbs stage, is met with applause and loving jokes about how he could beat folks up (for example, prior to and/or while raping them). Movie featuring notorious rapist, which is about the hilarity of roofies, hating women who don’t and/or do have sex, and Zach Galifianakis maybe being a registered sex offender (HA! Just like...
A solemn promise between internet friends...
Awards season is upon us. Now is the time for everyone to look deep into our souls and say out loud, “I am not paid to be a talking head. I will not live-Twitter televised events. Even my closest friends and family do not care what I think of January Jones’ dress.”
Reason #15 I hid your facebook status updates from...
aglock:
you write in the voice of either your baby or your cat (dogs ok) There is a switch in some women that snaps on when they get pregnant, and suddenly they think the best thing in the world they could be doing is talking about life from the perspective of their baby. “What a beautiful new world! Today I met Uncle Bob and Aunt Jane! My mommy said I will see them again soon! I really liked...
On the Internet, nobody knows you're a human. →
Norked
bluishorange:
osmium:
adj. in the state where the New Yorker has gotten away from you.
“The most Norked man in America was killed by a stack of falling magazines today in his 5 story walkup in Greenpoint.”
One time I had to take the subway from Brooklyn to 86th Street at 3am, and Sarah gave me her copy of the New Yorker to read on the way. Was she norked? Did I nork her? I need usage...
ONE YEAR AGO TODAY
One year ago, Nick was visiting me in New York for the first time. Short bout of amnesia aside, I have a really detailed memory, so I’ve been treating him to updates in the same manner of your mother calling you on your birthday to coo, “Thirty years ago todaaaaaaay, I was just about to meet you for the first time!”
So far I’ve reminded him of picking him up at the...