Zoe Kravitz & Michael Fassbender, 2011
And there went all of the physical attraction I felt for Fassbender, seen here dressed as my little brother in 1996. I just don’t think it’s fair that I should have to pick him up from soccer practice when he could just walk home with Ben and Kevin.
ah yes, the majestic Word Bank. [x]
I love how this still gets the “Yo, Way to Go!” Stamp.
I sound an alarm whenever this commercial comes on. The alarm is me shrieking “Nick, it’s the dog!! The dog is on!!”
These all just remind me of E.T.
Have you ever noticed how much ’80s limousines look like Robert Wagner?
Last night at Freddy’s
We accidentally kissed him in a parking lot. We wrote a letter to Barbra Streisand while crying. We hated that we were nineteen and a half and had never done anything real. We could feel his boner. We knew some people at summer camp thought Dan was weird because he always wore his grandfather’s hat and kissed our hand goodbye, but we thought he was wonderful. We got it on in a party in the woods and he came in his pants. We hated that we were older than the characters on Dawson’s Creek. We wanted to invite Barbra Streisand to our bat mitzvah. We kissed during improv Elizabethan Day. We would run away and hide in the forest, even though it wasn’t really a forest but more of a line of trees. We had our first dance with a girl after the band trip awards ceremony at Medieval Times. We lost our virginity in our dorm room while listening to the Trainspotting soundtrack. We received Barbra Streisand’s address from a traveling bass player in Columbia, Missouri. We were gonna die so much. We imagined an ideal world that was just our computer, Buffy on TV, and our bed. We thought she was cute, but everyone’s cute from a certain angle. We wrote a poem about tear-stained carcasses filled with regret. We thought that maybe if we were a Chinese immigrant, life would be easier - not easy, just easier. We knew Barbra Streisand would be proud of us for working out on the stepping machine. We turned down a kiss from Paul in a spy-themed restaurant called The Safe House. We were just going to follow Buddhism and be happy and have inner peace within ourselves. He tried to finger us, but it didn’t work. She said she was from Minnesota, so we talked about where that was. We wondered what Barbra Streisand got for Hanukkah last year. We thought he missed us, but it turned out he just missed kissing. We felt that everyone was contributing to our death. We couldn’t handle the level of intimacy or his horrible body odor. We just knew that we’d be good friends with Barbra Streisand if she was 16 or we were 53. We had known him for nine years, and even if you subtract two, that’s still a fucking long time. We figured he dumped us because he was twelve. Her boobs were bouncing and we started getting a boner. We wished Barbra Streisand could’ve had the opportunities we had, like our school trip to Europe. We wanted to be vitally important to, like, everyone. We wrote to the White House to see if they would forward our letters to Barbra Streisand. We needed help, so much help. We are CRINGE.